Rosalie Takes a Turn
by Lady Saruman
Summary: Everyone used to the imperfections and whatnot of humans and some vampires? Well, it’s the perfect Rosalie's turn! How would Rosalie react to each of the different situations? Pure fluff! Two different one-shots containing Rosalie’s overreactions. Enjoy!
1. Klutzy Much?

**Disclaimer: Same thing that I always say - not mine. However, a very big thank you to Stephenie Meyer for providing us with such entertaining characters to write about! :D**

**Enjoy :)  
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Rosalie's POV

"Rosalie! I'm hooooome!" the most wondrous male voice sang out. He was back from his hunting trip.

"EMMETT!" I screamed, flying out of my room, only to skid to a stop right before the stairs. Why did I feel so jerky?

"Rose…?" He asked, his voice trailing off. "What's wrong?"

I slowly descended the stairs. Something was wrong. I felt so restrained, as if all my inhuman grace were taken away from me. I felt clumsy—not just my legs but my whole body. I decided to see what happened if I ran. After doing so at human speed just to try it out, the trademark Bella Swan action happened.

I tripped over my own feet and plummeted down face first. I tried reaching wildly for the banister, but I missed. Emmett had rushed up in less than half a second and he tried to grab me around the waist when I veered off direction at the very last moment. That made him miss, and the next thing I knew, I had crashed into him and we were tumbling down the stairs. My husband helped me up, trying unsuccessfully to hold back his light chuckles. Although we were both unscathed, my pride was very much wounded. I shot a venomous glare at him.

At that moment the front door chose to open and in walked Edward and Bella. They were both wearing confused expressions. But that wasn't the first thing I noticed. Once I saw the way they had walked in, it instantly drove knives of jealousy through me. Bella had the most perfect walk, so willowy and sinuous. Her flowing walk would make any dancer's look robotic. How could that have happened?!

A horrible realization dawned on me. Here I was, tripping over my feet, and Bella, gliding on the floor like I usually did. There was only one explanation.

"_EDWARD!_" I screamed way louder than necessary although he was right in front of me. "_WHAT IS THIS?!_"

"What is what?" he asked me, the astonished look still on his face.

"_I want to know why Bella's and my walk got switched but I still have my vampire speed!" _I stepped forward and violently jabbed a finger at his chest. Emmett instantly pulled me back, as did Bella with Edward. I looked at her contemptuously. _She shouldn't even be here in this family. It's not like she can protect Edward…it's always _him_ who protects_ her. Edward's eyes instantly hardened. I disregarded them. Who did she even think she was anyway? A pathetic human who was proud of being the only who knew our secret without facing any consequences. The Volturi should have come. I hated her so badly—she was a human, while I was a repulsive monster who constantly craved for blood. By now, Edward's lips had lifted to form a snarl, baring his teeth. When he answered, however, his tone was quite smooth.

"I don't know, Rosalie, Bella woke up this morning and she said she felt her limbs were flexible, unrestrained. She managed to walk today without ever tripping once, and she walks exactly like you do." This last part was accompanied by a smirk.

"OF COURSE SHE DOES!" I screamed loud enough to be heard by vampires within a five hundred mile radius. "THAT'S _MY_ WALK! AND DID YOU KNOW I HAVE HERS?! I ACTUALLY _TRIPPED_ OVER MY OWN FEET!

I felt a vehement satisfaction when I saw Bella's wide, terrified eyes. She couldn't even handle a vampire yelling. How pathetic. Edward was laughing at me now, probably imagining what the sight of me tripping looked like. That was the last straw for me. I broke free from Emmett's grip and lunged at my brother. However, he was too fast and swerved from the door at the very last millisecond, causing me to slam right into it. It trembled violently, but I was instantly on my feet, trying to get my revenge on the one whose mate Carlisle had intended me to be. Edward and I, together? Never.

Edward laughed sadistically. "Damn right you are!"

I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings, and I once again found myself colliding into a diamond-hard object that instantly restrained me. It was Emmett. I fought back fiercely, but he merely pulled me to his chest as if my fighting was nothing, which it probably wasn't compared to him.

"Rosalie…" he murmured. "Let's wait until Carlisle gets home and then we'll ask him." He knew better than to _dare_ call me 'Rose' now. The pathetic human was calling for Edward.

* * *

I almost pounced on Carlisle as soon as he came through the door in my desperation to have the nagging question answered. I barely saved myself from tripping, but that was a near thing.

"Carliiiiiisle!" I yelled in a very unladylike tone.

"Rosalie? What's the matter?"

"I don't understand why Bella walks with my gait and I walk with hers. I do not want to trip randomly all over the place! Why is this happening to me?" I whined.

Carlisle, curse him too, was laughing. Why did everybody find humor in this? I didn't want Bella's trait! I was content with having _her_ trip while I laughed heartlessly and mocked her. Edward growled at me from his room upstairs. Oops. I would have to tone down my thoughts about Bella quite a bit.

Finally, my father figure answered. "I don't know, Rosalie. This isn't anything medical science can explain. Maybe it's a bad dream and you'll wake up to find that it isn't real."

"_We can't sleep,_" I snarled.

Carlisle thought for a moment. "Maybe we're all hallucinating."

"_NO WE'RE NOT!_" I screamed, hating my uncooperative family.

"I'm sorry I couldn't help," he responded with maddening sympathy.

"Stupid vampires," I muttered to myself, stomping out of the room. I heard Carlisle chuckle behind me. I felt my foot catch onto something—it was a leg of Edward's piano bench—and once again, I was flat on the floor.

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**A/N: Yayyy! I got sick of Bella falling all over the place and Edward saving her _every single time_. So I decided to try something different. Rosalie, the perfect vampire, tripping. Anyone would get a laugh out of that. And sorry if this story wasn't as funny as you had expected it to be. xP**

**Hugs, kisses, and a w e e k s w o r t h o f F O O D to _ma beta merveilleuse, _dear forever yours. Without her editing I would have butchered up this story :P**

**Did you guys like it? Now that you're done, there's still a little something more to do...you know...click that little button that says 'Go'. :wink wink: ;)**


	2. Rosalie Has a Zit!

**Disclaimer: Jasper: Excuse me, miss?**

**Me: :Jumps: Holy CRAP, are you Jasper?!**

**Jasper: Of course. I thought you should know, since you created me. I mean, the whole Twilight thing _is_ yours, after all.**

**Me: OH MY GOD, are you serious?! :jumps around like crazy: YES! YES! THIS IS EVEN BETTER THAN WINNING THE LOTTERY!  
:wakes up: Whaaa? Why am I in bed? :realizes: DAMN! I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!**

**Whoever future husband is: Well, _duh_. You've got ****me—isn't that good enough?**

**Me: :sobbing: No. I don't own Twilight. It's Stephenie Meyer's.**

**Just clarifying here: Okay, so last time, Rosalie was a klutz. This story is a different one altogether, in no way associated with the last one. This time, something different happens to her. None of them progress in a sequence. They're all separate one-shots that I crammed together into a single "multi-chapter fic", 'cause I didn't want to make them all separate on the site. So if characters hate each other in a "chapter" and then like each other in a different one, that'll be why.**

**Warning: Some foul language in this episode!**

**dear forever yours has an A/N for you: THIS IS THE ALMIGHTY BETA INTERFERING WITH THE STORY. RAWRR. GO REVIEW OR ELSE I'LL EAT YOU. :K  
**

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As soon as Emmett walked through the door of the Cullen house at three in the morning, I threw my broken shoe at him, catching him off guard.

"This is all your fault!" I cried sharply.

He had picked up the shoe with a bewildered look. "Rosalie, why is the heel broken off?"

For a normally astute vampire, he was completely stupid now. "_Why is the heel broken off?_" I mocked. "I was waiting for you, that's why!" I launched the aforementioned object at him. This time he was ready and caught it.

"You didn't have to break anything," he said rather coolly, hurt because this was the greeting he got from me.

"I agree with Emmett," Alice said sharply. "You don't vent your anger on someone who wasn't the cause of it."

"What do you mean he wasn't the cause of it? I just told you he kept me waiting and made me break one of my pumps, didn't I?! Jasper, help me!" I turned to my "twin brother" for help.

Alice wheeled on Jasper. "Whose side are you on?"

"I am Switzerland," he replied noncommittally. We both glowered at him, causing him to flinch.

"Apologize to Emmett!" Edward commanded me.

"No, I won't! This isn't fair!" I yelled.

"Rosalie, as you can clearly see, you're outnumbered three to one. Why? It's because we're siding with who is right; we have nothing against you." This remark made me impossibly livid. Why was Edward always so infuriating? I wanted to break him.

"Aren't you supposed to be at home watching over your_ precious_ Bella?" I sneered.

"For your information, we just returned from our hunting trip and then _you_ started yelling at Emmett! Do you really expect me to leave in the middle of that?" His teeth were tightly gritted.

Three pairs of eyes were looking back and forth between us like they would at a tennis match. I could feel bouts of calmness trying to take over, but I fought them back; I _couldn't_ be calm if I wanted to win this. The feeling of serenity threatened to overwhelm me, but I broke free. Switzerland, my ass. If Jasper was neutral, then why did he keep trying to calm me down?

"_All of you stay out of this!_" I bellowed. "_Especially you, Jasper! Stop messing with my emotions! Not very discreet anymore, are we?_"

"_Excuse me,_" an icy voice responded. I was shocked to discover that it was Alice. She rarely ever adopted that hard tone. When she did, that meant she was going to make the disobeyer pay. I looked at her with wide eyes.

"We all went hunting before we have school later today, but the last time you went was two weeks ago. You are thirsty now, and evidently short-tempered, and now you're blaming Emmett for something that wasn't even his fault. You are also unreasonable as well as bipolar. And do _not_ talk to Jasper that way."

I didn't dare argue with that voice, not unless I wanted to have my ass kicked, both literally and figuratively. Where were Esme and Carlisle when I needed them?

* * *

That morning, when we all about to go to school, everyone piled up in Edward's car, with a chorus of "I'll come with you to pick up Bella". Jasper was the only one who still came with me, claiming that Edward's car would be cramped and he didn't want to be too close to Bella. Even still, he sat in the backseat, clearly trying to avoid me. I drove in steamy silence.

I had advanced placement Physics with Alice for first period, and today we both sat to the very edge of our table, trying to be as far away from each other as possible. That was when the whispers started. I had already gotten used to the attention that Alice and I received on a daily basis, but today the whispers were of a spiteful nature, and that started up my temper again.

"Eww, she has a pimple. I don't think I want to ask her out anymore," the school's shallowest boy muttered behind his hand to his friend. I was completely outraged. A PIMPLE?! Since when in vampire history did _any_ vampire have a pimple? Was _that_ why Jasper kept looking at me all funny on the car ride to school? Why didn't he tell me? What would Emmett think of it? I searched desperately in my bag for my compact mirror, but one look at Alice's expression told me that she had stolen it. That stupid vampire always went to extremes. And I wasn't going to go to one of the restrooms to use the mirror—they were too dirty for me.

I was disgusting beyond vampire comprehension—and even for humans, too. I sat sullenly at my desk, glaring at anyone who dared to look my way.

* * *

When lunch finally arrived, I verbally attacked Jasper with questions as soon as he got to our table, all revolving around the nature of "Why didn't you tell me about it?!" It had taken so little to set me off these past two days—and why? It was because I hadn't hunted.

"_Where is it, Jasper?_" I demanded.

He looked as if he was really regretting that he got a ride from me. Which he probably was. But even if he hadn't, I would have yelled at him anyway. Why? Because he was _Switzerland_, and he was the only one whom I wasn't mad at, and vice versa. Alice was staring at me, refusing to look away. Emmett, on the other hand, was determinedly avoiding my eyes, busy stabbing away at a piece of pizza with a fork.

"It'sonyournose," he said so quickly that I barely caught it.

"_Where?_"

"The…tip."

It was lucky he was sitting next to me, because then there was someone I could actually inflict pain on. I was going to hit him when Alice suddenly leaned behind Jasper and ensnared my wrist in her tiny hand. I now understood why she had been glaring at me out of the corner of her eye the entire time.

"_Don't. You. Even. _Dare. _Hit. Jasper._"

I was going to retort rudely to her when I heard the malicious voice of Lauren Mallory from her lunch table. She had leaned slightly across the table to talk to Jessica Stanley.

"Oh, my gosh, Jessica, did you see that Hale girl today?"

"Um, no," she replied. Jessica shifted slightly and Lauren turned around, both to look at me. I met their open stares with a black glare. For a brief second I was glad I hadn't hunted. The flat black was much more intimidating than gold. They quickly dropped their eyes, clearly scared. Lauren lowered her voice. I turned to Edward and let loose a scornful laugh. He responded with a tight smile; that drew up a silent treaty between us. Those imbeciles had no idea I could hear them from where I sat no matter how soft they pitched their annoying voices to be. They were just sitting too close.

"Wow, it's so big!" No doubt whom that was from.

"I've never seen the slightest trace of a blemish on her face, and now she has _that_. Maybe she ate too much fried foods and now she's finally starting to have a breakout." Lauren giggled.

I snarled under my breath while trying to repress a snort. Fried foods? Like I would ever eat those. _If you don't shut up I'll eat_ you_ next_, I thought viciously. _Or rather…drink your blood…_

"_Careful_," Edward hissed at me. "_And plus, think of it this way. They're disgusting, so you're going to regurgitate it all back out."_

"You're right," I said loftily. _They're so worthless that they're not worth my time. _My brother gave me an approving nod. I was glad Bella wasn't here right now. She was staying in at lunch to finish her Spanish test. I hated it whenever she just sat there staring, too frightened to do anything about the situation. I had instantly calmed down…that is, until I heard the next round of gossip.

"—think she'd get fatter soon from all those fried foods? I'm so jealous of her body," said Jessica. Of course she would be. She was one of those people who were all bony but kept calling themselves fat. It annoyed the hell out of me.

"I _swear_, Bella's ugliness must have rubbed off on her," Lauren snarled vindictively. That was it. I got up from the table, ignoring Edward's angry warning glare and a suffering Jasper who felt every wave of our anger. Even Emmett looked up. I marched right over to the table where those wannabes sat.

"The two of you need to stop talking about things you don't understand," I said coldly to them. Everybody in the vicinity automatically looked up with huge eyes.

"Like _you_ could hear what we were saying," Lauren said snidely. Oh, crap. She was right. People weren't supposed to have heard from that far away. Human frailties. However, I had had a hundred years to perfect my acting.

"What are you talking about? You were _so _loud. You obviously don't hear yourself correctly do you?"

For a moment Lauren looked as if my lie had convinced her, but she snapped out of it.

"I was _not_ loud! I was whispering!"

"You call that whispering?" I said scathingly. It was true vampire-wise, but they were oblivious to all that. I took advantage of their silence to plunge on.

"And don't talk about Bella that way. She's much prettier than both of you, way less selfish, and definitely not as nosy._ So shut up and keep your thoughts to yourself._" Although I still didn't exactly like Bella, we were currently on okay terms.

Jessica decided to be smart for once and stayed quiet. Lauren, however, opened her mouth to argue back but I cut across her, sick of hearing her talk.

"And you want to have a better-looking body? Well then it's time you stop making yourselves throwing back up your meals; you guys are so freaking _anorexic_ that it makes me _sick_." I turned and walked away from them in a way that made the world's best supermodel's walk look jerky. I couldn't help but to make them even more jealous.

As soon as I got back to my table, the first thing Edward snarled to me was "_Nice going Rosalie!_" Alice made a noise of contempt through her nose.

"_What_," I acidly answered as a statement rather than a question. Sometimes I got so sick of Edward's incessant nagging.

"_You're going to make them suspect us of what we really are! They _were_ whispering and they're absolutely sure of it. They're thinking about it right now._" Like that.

I shrugged him off and stared at the apple that was serving as my current prop. This one's spotless skin insulted me. Because of that stupid blemish on my face, I was now imperfect. I kept complaining in my head about how my non-life was so unfair. Why, oh why—

"Rosalie, must you _always_ think about nothing but yourself?"

_Shut up and stay out of my thoughts!_ I mentally hurled at him.

"You have no idea how much I would love to do that. Unfortunately, you're so _loud_ that I can't ignore you, no matter how much I try."

I raised the apple and was about to hurl it at him, but Jasper grabbed my arm.

"Don't," he whispered. "You wouldn't have kept up our façade." I suddenly was calming down at an abnormal rate. I wrenched my arm out of his grip and glared at him.

He calmly looked back. "You can throw that at Edward when we get home."

I stormed away from the lunch shelter and went to my locker, walking right past my husband who had just returned from throwing away his food. I had no idea why I was going there, or what I would find, but I just had to get away from all those people before I killed one out of hatred, driven on by thirst.

After I inserted my combination and pulled the locker open, my eyes were greeted by a bottle. Not just _any_ bottle, but a bottle of _Proactiv solution_. And the only other person with access to my locker was Alice.

Oh, that bitch. She just _had_ to rub it in my face, didn't she? I was sure this had to do with the argument last night where she sided with Emmett. She must be really mad at me. She didn't even tell me about my—that_ thing_. None of them did, and I _knew_ that all of them would have noticed. But no, they had to let me find out by means of my peers. It was highly embarrassing. That also explained why she had left home so early this morning after taking one glimpse of me. At first, I had thought that it was because she couldn't stand seeing me, which was undeniably true.

To my intense chagrin and fury, the rest of the school day passed, with each period producing the same results as the first one.

* * *

I was standing in the kitchen, fuming. I now understood why they didn't tell me. It was because of that stupid fight. I had won and I was right; that's why they were all mad at me, and vice versa. I was about to go to my room when I heard my name.

"—Rosalie is?" What did Emmett want with me now? He was supposed to be mad at me, but of course, he can never stay mad; after all, who can? I _am_ stunning, after all.

"She's probably still in her room, sulking nonstop." Edward. Hmm. Interesting.

I quickly fixed my gaze on the dish towel before me. Just in case Edward decided to invade my head yet again. I put in extra effort to tone down the "voice" of my thoughts. They were going to talk about me, huh?

"Remember when we were in Prospect Creek, Alaska?"

"Yes, go on."

"Well, I heard these two Asian people telling each other this rule for eating. They said that if you eat dog meat and green bean together, you would die."

"Was that why you dared Rosalie two weeks ago to eat green beans coated in fish oil? And then wash it down afterwards with wine? I thought at the time it was just to see how much 'dirt' she could take before she cracked." Edward was chuckling.

"Yeah. And do you remember what she hunted on our trip right before the dare?"

"Some type of dog, I presume?"

"Yep. Coyote, to be exact." I could swear Emmett was grinning right now.

"And…?" Why did Edward have to be so stolid whenever someone talked to him about me? Was I really that uninteresting?

"Well, obviously, she can't die, so I wanted to see what would happen."

"So you think that was what caused her that…irregularity?"

"That, plus her temper from last night."

So I was his _lab rat_ now? I couldn't restrain my thoughts any longer. I was screaming profanities in my head, most of them directed towards Emmett. Why, that conniving asshole traitor…

"Oh, crap," Edward quietly muttered, instantly backing away as far as he could from his current position. _Yeah, you'd _better_ move! _I sent that thought to him with as much force and hate as I could muster.

"What? What?" Emmett whirled around in a perfect three-sixty. Despite my rage, I couldn't help but to notice his sexy body. "Did she hear us?" he asked his brother.

"YOU BET YOUR EXISTENCE I DID!" Before he could turn around or even figure out what was happening I had tackled him to the floor and slapped him on his face. I quickly jumped back up, keeping a foot on his chest. I then started screaming about how he wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for me.

"Emmett McCarty Cullen, _you are going to pay_." I emphasized the last part, trying to make it sound as menacing as I looked right now.

Unbelievably, he had the nerve to ask me with what.

"Well, obviously not with no sex, because you've probably gotten used to it by now! Damn you!" I yelled, being very unladylike, I had to admit. Suddenly, a thought occurred to me.

"I got it!" I yelled jubilantly. Just before I reached the door, I turned to Edward. "And I haven't forgotten _you_ either," I said meanly with narrowed eyes before dashing out excitedly.

On my way to the garage, I nearly ran into Alice. Great. Another complication I hadn't thought of. I narrowed my eyes at her.

"Don't you even _think_ about ruining it for me this time by telling anyone," I threatened.

She shrugged carelessly. "I don't care anymore. I just wanted my revenge with the whole pimple thing, and that was enough. Do whatever you want to Emmett's possessions…as long as you don't do it to _mine_ too," she said with the same hard tone as before.

* * *

_Two days later_

I was sitting on the hood of my car, browsing through a magazine with scorn. These people had a horrible fashion sense. If _I _directed the fashion merchandising, the whole world would bow down to my superiority and magnificence. I saw Emmett come into the garage.

"Hello, Rosalie," he said cautiously and politely. I heard his keys jangle. Excellent.

"Hmm," I replied, turning around to hide my smile.

The door slammed, and with my extraordinary hearing I heard him slide the key into the ignition. We were both waiting expectantly, although for the opposite things. He was expecting the engine to roar to life, and I was waiting for the _click_ of an engine that failed to start.

He turned the key. _Click._ He tried again, with the same result. Now I was waiting for his reaction. I quickly slid into my M3, anticipating the banging on my window I would surely hear along with his pleads for me to fix my "damage to his 'third life'". (The second was me, of course). The windows were bulletproof, but he wouldn't dare break them…not unless he wanted to shower me with polycarbonate security glass and to face my wrath yet again.

What I had been waiting for never came. Instead, I saw him walking back to his car, this time with Edward accompanying him. Edward had a twinkle to his eye as he reattached the battery cables and switched the assortment of wires back to their original positions. He also refilled the water for the cooling system before staring me down and smirking.

"Thanks Edward!" Emmett called while he waited for his Jeep to warm up.

Damn it. I had forgotten that I wasn't the only mechanic in the house. And what was more, one of my pumps was now unpaired.

* * *

**A/N: Did you guys notice that none of these things that happen to Rosalie could be explained? That's the purpose of this series, although like I said before, they do not go in a sequence of any kind.**

**And once again, I would like express my gratitude to my beta, who has—**

_**:dear forever yours shoves your author:**_

_**Lady Saruman**_**: OW! What? I already said ****'****thank you****'****!  
**

_**dear forever yours**_**: MOVE! I WANNA SAY SOMETHING!**

_**Lady Saruman**_**: Fine, here's the queen of the world again:**

**_dear forever yours_: HI I CUM 2 TAK OVR DIS STORI. I AM DA ALMITEE BETA HU EDITS DESE AMZING STOREES. HARD 2 BELIEVE HUH? **


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